Hi, everyone. First of all, I just wanted to say thank you for being so supportive of Tuesday's post. It wasn't an easy one for me to write, and it definitely wasn't easy to press publish, so thanks to my husband Chris for getting me to take that step :) It's funny now when I re-read the post – it really wasn't as big of a deal as I had made it in my head to be. This blog is supposed to be a place of truth and authenticity, and I had really convinced myself that I was providing that – but as usual, God gives us space to step in even deeper. Which brings up two things I wanted to share:
One, that often what seems "big" to us is small to God. And what seems "small" to us isn't small at all to Him. I've struggled for a long time with a desire for fame (and I think I can safely assume there's a large number of you out there as well that seek out that acknowledgement and praise). When I was little, I wanted to be an author, an artist, and a singer (triple threat, y'all). I would sign the back of every drawing I did in my sketchbook with my signature and the day and date of when I drew it – you know, just in case those were worth something some day. I was ten! My sweet little broken brain. I then began to see how people who stood in front of the class to sing often or were often given solos were objects of frustration and jealousy to other kids... so I stopped standing up as much. Friends would ask me to sing songs from The Little Mermaid at the lunch table and I said no, pretending to be shy. Mostly I just didn't want other people to be mad at me or annoyed by me. I really did not realize how much of this I still carry with me today.
I told Chris about a month ago that I kept feeling like God was calling me to dream bigger and to ask Him for bigger things – to see things the way He does. To trust His movements. To give Him room to do work. I felt like in moments when I said, "ok" I would have visions of public speaking to large crowds or even writing a book. I told Chris I felt so guilty for those visions... that I didn't want to want that, because I know it could easily tangle me in prideful sin. But I also know that the things that seem "big" and scary to me look different to God – maybe those visions are something I need to accept so that God can do something equally big and scary in my life that my little human narrow-minded brain can't process yet. For example, maybe it's adopting or being a foster parent. Or maybe it's living somewhere I never had in mind. Maybe it's leading a group of women using my blog. God's big is still very, very big... and I'm learning that I can ask him for things that I think could be miraculous, things that scare me to ask. God's big is often bigger than I can imagine. But in my weakness, in my humanness, His big usually starts somewhere very small – like a prayer.
Secondly and on a similar note, I just wanted to encourage you to embrace how vast God is... and how weak you are. I was at an IF:Local Leader gathering recently, and one of my new friends shared that she often seeks God work in her life by revealing very small glimpses – that he reveals a little glimmer of something, something she feels led to, but not confident in, so she has to step closer to be able to see it better. And once she does that, she gets just a little further glimpse... and this continues. It was one of those moments where I heard her words and just laughed to myself and shook my head, because I know exactly what she's talking about. It's like, in our humanness, we cannot fully grasp the scope of our God. As I sat by the ocean last week, I just stared out into it, knowing I couldn't feasibly see it's edge. I watched the huge waves crash into the rocks and felt his power... but this was just a glimmer. A glimpse of his majesty. And it made me feel very small, in a wonderful kind of way. I feel like knowing, on some level, how big and mighty and awesome He is gives me renewed comfort in what He does for me. He is my shelter and my protection. He is my King, my great warrior. He loves me with a love so immense and deep that I will never be able to comprehend it fully. So when he invites me in to know him on a new level – like bringing up that issue with fame that I never really got over as a child – I shouldn't be afraid and back away. I should lean in. He can handle it :) All of my ugly, selfish pride... all of my fear of what others may think. Even when it makes me sick with fear. He can handle it, because He is good. There was a verse I shared last week on Instagram where The Lord is telling Job to trust Him... (Job 38:4-11 )
"...who shut in the sea with doors when it burst out from the womb, when I made clouds it's garment and thick darkness it's swaddling band, and prescribed limits for it and set bars and doors, and said, 'Thus far you shall come, and no farther, and here shall your proud waves be stayed'?"
Jennie Allen used this in her book Anything, and she went on to say, "He is God. He knows what He's doing. Often things feel hard or scary... But He has a bigger plan going. He's asking you to trust the one who tells the ocean where to stop and the sun when to launch." Yes. Praise Him. Amen.
Hope you all have had a wonderful week. Thanks again for your continued grace in this blog, and praise to God that He enters in to the places we feel weak to do His work. Love y'all.
All images via That's Pretty Ace